Dour

My artistic drive has felt somewhat hollowed out recently. Not all the time, there are periods were I feel purpose and excitement, but more often than not I struggle with feelings of futility. What is the problem exactly? I don’t feel like I have much to say about this. It’s just is this way now.I am frankly waiting for salvation, for something to break through and alter my course, I need a shake-up and at the moment I can’t seem to find the way to do it myself. One thought I’ve played with is to change medium quite radically, because painting isn’t as exciting as it used to be for me. Neither is sculpture really. And music I feel to limited in still, I am incredibly inefficient in working with it. Then of course, I would be in a new medium as well most likely, whether it be writing or game development. The latter one is the one I’ve thought about the most, but I am hesitant - it may just be a few months of time sink that doesn’t amount to anything because game development is tedious and hard and I only have experience in very limited aspects of it, e.g. 3D modelling is something I do not know at all

Actually, I don’t think it is a question of changing medium. Something needs to happen on the level of my life, of my understanding of myself, of my understanding of the world. I’ve been on and off making these laboured attempts to initiate an overarching project, but again, I am waiting for a revelation here. There is something missing preventing me from simply beginning. There’s an absence of an idea or inspiration on that level.

Now with all this said, I’ve actually had quite a productive first 5 months of 2021 with a lot of things happening in painting / sculpture as well as in music, it’s just that I’ve tended to also lean into the “yeah but for what?”. And maybe it shows. That there is less fire. It’s a grey feeling. I am yearning for light, not in complete despair but in a sombre melancholy which I don’t know what to do with.