Ex Occulto

I’ve been in a sort of occultation for.. I don’t know how long, a few months. From the online that is. The virtual presence of all these people doing all these things, especially doing things along the lines of what I am attempting and seeming to have gotten further with it than me - it weighed on me, so I needed to withdraw. I also hoped something might happen, that it might give me space to get into my own thing, see the trails drowned out by the noise of media and have the time to follow them. I think it did, in some ways, a bit. I don’t know. I tend to always feel like ‘3 months ago’ or ‘10 months ago’ - "then I was really in it”, but when it is the now it’s always like I’m not quite there and need a change. I’ve thought a lot about quitting my job. Nothing quite weighs me down in terms of inspiration, mood, and sense of purpose in life like this day job. It gives lot of comfort in terms of the money, which is unprecedented in my life, there really is a comfort trap that is threatening to capture me, more than any methods of capture this snare of comfort is overhanging. Yet it seems very far away that I would actually turn away from art and really succumb, it just doesn’t seem possible. What is more likely but still very torturous is this split life, of spending 4 hours or so in the evening on art, with the most precious hours of the day being wasted away tinkering on a barely legal pyramid scheme (which applies to finance in general, and this job in particular). I’ve noticed that I voice this quite a lot, in the way which Zizek talks about, how you talk about it in a way to get away from having to do it - like his inversion of Pascal: you don’t go through the motions of the ritual to come to believe, rather the intensity of belief can also be escaped from through the empty disengaged ritual. Like letting of a steam which in this case I really should let build up. Anyway to much of that already. I will try to write here more. Summer has also been a social time in real life, which also sort of takes me away from ‘my thing’, so with Autumn it seems natural that I will return to expressing myself on the internet, showing of my work and hopefully pushing through with the break that needs to happen.